I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
