I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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