I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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