i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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