remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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