Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
