every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
