hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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