all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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