happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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