She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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