I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
