how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
