I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
