Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
