he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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