tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
