morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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