So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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