A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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