Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
