Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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