i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
