Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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