I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
