just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
