I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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