Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
