Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
