We're facebook friends in real life
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
