Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
