The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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