I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
