First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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