There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
