I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
