Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
