If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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