she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
