What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
