I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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