1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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