my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
His nipple licking is glorious
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