At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
