It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
