Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
