1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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