i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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