I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
