listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my shit smells like andre
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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