when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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