I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
