I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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