I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
