I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
