She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Buhtt sex?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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