Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
