Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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