he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
