Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize