Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
