Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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