My boss' voice literally gives me gas
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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