Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
