Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
