my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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