I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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